I shout a cry

I’m listening to music. What else I can do? In this time, in this mood. I cannot read anymore, I cannot watch anything. I won’t call it depression or sorrow, whatever makes me sound like weak or stupid. I know I am already self-indulgent, but if you want to call me a drama queen, then, so be it. I won’t deny or stop it. If that’s what would see me. How can I do? I can’t change you, as I won’t change myself.

I have anger inside. A devil inside of me. Well, I actually do not know what is inside me. Sometimes, it appears as anger, and sometimes, it explodes as sorrow. I have tried so long time to explain what this monster or real me inside looks like. It is eagerly trying to devour all of you until nothing left on you. It needs to have your everything, and it must know abyss underneath your heart where even you don’t know it exists. But it says I can’t show my desire to you, because it is ugliest and unlovable impairment. Instead, I need to suffer every moment that I can’t have you. So, I leave, before I can’t handle my desire, I fly away even before anything started. All the time. Like poltroon. Before my biggest fear actualised, before I damage someone I love with this horror, as it has damaged me so long time.

Ask, the explanation of everything that I did. Torture, everything that I didn’t do. Criticise, what I wanted to try to do. Tell, I am not deserve anything.

I just wanted a hug. And tell me everything is fine.
I just wanted a hold my hand. And tell me you like naive me.
I just wanted a silly smile. And tell me, I have you.

I shout a cry.