In retrospect, I had some craving all the time. The longing for the toys which is unpermitted, the desire for the person who can make my hear beat all the time. This never dampened feeling is controlling me damn good. It makes me anxious and sometimes angry. Funny thing is, as much I into something I start pull off the distance and try go back when I was innocent of the subject. Pretend cold as cucumber, or even more, act like nothing can affect me. However, inside of me is shouting to me for help, to release innocent emotion and expose myself.

I have an awkward habit that only few people know. That is, I start laughing when I got scary. When I was 28, I took a rollercoaster — as far I know that was my first rollercoaster, I can bear scary movie or ghost story but the high altitude is one of my biggest enemy all the time. Especially, that falling plump down is one thing I would never try again. As if my heart is not following my body and only my blood is descending, I could not feel my body as a part. Then, I started laughing. Not just smile, biggest laughing I have ever laughed out. If someone saw me, he would think I was really enjoying it.

On a contrary, when I got strong emotion in my heart, I start chilling outside. Feigning nothing is happened inside, desperately make a distance from my desire. It is because, I think, once I accept thinking I cannot control myself anymore. The monster which was small hence harmless start grow and shaking curly. As if Possessiveness is now get the admission to be riot, aggressively handling me think the subject.

As much as possible, I am trying to avoid to be in certain emotion, because through my experience I know the truth that there is only one people who left over is me. On the other I, am brutal monster. It sometimes takes my position and emotion to achieve my desire. This never ending games have always ended painfully. Either I weary to hold on, or got vanished from it. Vulnerable herbivore cannot survive from the dangerous hunters, but I believe, hunters also makes herbivore stronger to stay alive — dense muscle, acute judgement and see through eyes.

I hope I have strength to endure the fact that I am desperate. Time will fly away as these denial fade away. Then, no one have to remember but me. All the feelings pile me up with memories — nervous, scary but sweet. I am hoping I can be blunt soon. Or as before, hurt me as soon as possible.

How Fucking sour-sweat night it is