Photo by Gabriella Clare Marino / Unsplash

Talking about my childhood or my experience, I now feel that is just additional information about me. Many texts need context to be understood, but people don’t want to understand someone with context. It seems people think “Present” shows everything about that person. Maybe that is what they believe. At least, that was how I felt. Well, sometimes there is someone who can understand me without any explanation. When I come across that person, I feel free from any language. On the one hand, I doubt that will ever happen; on the other hand, I believe there could be someone I could be there without any language. And that is the one I should keep.

I have a reason why I obsess about communication and why I'm crazy about the image. But I’ll skip that part. I don’t think someone cares about the reasons as much as I did, and I do to you.

There was and is one thing I keep saying about. “Neutral Design” or “Neutral Image”. I know it is not trendy in this era. Many people believe that we need to fight for our concept, for our ideology, for our belief. Without fighting for your possession, you are letting the other take it. This is the one I never understand. First of all, my ideology is my soul; you can have yours, but you will never change mine, even if you are dominating the whole world. It is not like possession or property that you can buy or change. You can influence it, but it is not because of you. I am the one who made a change.

When I had just started my MA course, and when I spoke out that I wanted to be neutral, people asked me if I spoke out about something that would never be neutral. I agree. I am a stubborn person. I will try to keep mine because it is “me”. But when I was saying I want to be “neutral”, I meant that I am prepared to accept there is another ideology. That is my “Neutral”. Neutral does not mean whatever it is; you keep it grey, but it means you bear in mind there is another way to see. As much as you believe something, there should be someone who equally believes the other thing.

Someone told me I am a Utopianist. I don’t think so. I am not a Utopianist, but I am an actualist. I still don’t understand why some people don’t understand the differences between the two things. I believe we are all different. If someone believes that we all can be united by something, I want to call s/he Utopianist.

Of course, I can’t deny that I have met someone, or sometimes I never understand. If you know me, you will know that when I say “thinking,” I mean literally thinking fully. I still don’t get it. I want to get a clear answer. As much as I desire communication, I have a hunger for clarity. It is contradictional speech, I know. Because I believe in the diversity of the meaning of communication, then I am telling you I desire definitiveness. On one hand, I am promoting “Neutral”; on the other hand, I am claiming the importance of determination. I think it is coming together. As I said above, to be neutral, you should be clear what position you are sitting. Individually, we should be clear about what an individual is and who I am. Only then is it possible to know who they are and who you are?

I am trying. Of course, I am not SAINT. I have a lot of drawbacks as you have. Quantity is not the matter, but the quality is positioning us. I don’t believe any of human-decided standard. I don’t believe any of standard. It is not standard but it is culture. Depend on time, it is changing.

Fuck. I have a lot of things I wanted to say. I forgot. I forgot how to put it here. Maybe it is time to say nothing.

I know it is a boring theme to talk. I am a boring person. Or my interest is boring. If it is boring, it is not because of this topic; there is nothing wrong with this topic. It could I am talking in a very boring way.

What I wanted to say is that songs talked instead of me.

Fucking messy