Insomnia (1)

Two weeks of classes and countless sleepless nights—I think these are the main words that describe my recent life. Some people have told me that I’m probably under too much stress; others have said I’m simply going through a period of adjustment to a new environment. Perhaps both are true. I don’t have any certainty about the reason.

I recall how many nights I used to sit silently in front of my computer in Japan. I remember the loneliness I felt at that time. In reality, I often spent evenings drinking with friends. If they called me, I was always ready to run to them, no matter the time or place, until the light of the sun reached my eyelids. It didn’t matter if I had class the next day, or if I was hungover from the night before. I was simply glad that they remembered my existence, and I took those situations as signs of deep friendship.

Frankly, I’m not sure I ever truly wanted those irregular nights. What I mostly did at parties was listen to their problems, offer small bits of advice, and of course, drink a lot. As if trying to let time flow away from the present, they drank and spoke of their futures and their lives. On many of those nights, I felt like I was becoming part of my group, part of my gang, through these endless gatherings. I thought I belonged.

But in the end, it didn’t help me break out of my shell.

Now, I’m trying to understand the cause of that loneliness during that time—because perhaps, it might help me get through this one.