Fading and Isolation

Few weeks I couldn’t rid of thought about my memories. I don’t know why it started or why it keeps coming back. Maybe because of the weather, or perhaps I am living in the past, as always.

A few days ago, I had a conversation about loneliness. She said this city makes us lonely. At that point, I started thinking about loneliness and isolation in general. I am very familiar with loneliness. My entire life was living in fear and experiencing that I could fade away from others. My childhood and teenage years were spent surviving isolation. I witnessed adults crying, shouting, and misery. It seemed much better to live in my head, in my fantasy. I tried to figure out how to deal with being alone and building my world in my head. All kinds of childish escape I could try at that age: TV, video games, books and finally, sleep. I can say I am really good at this. At least, I believe so. That disbelief in humans or communication may have already started at a very early age. Communication does not start until somebody really desires it. Tossing the voices and touches cannot reach the mind. The information is not communicated. I desired to share my mind with someone. Communication is carving my name on to the other’s heart and scare over for life. No matter I believe or not, I just desired and craved to be carved and tamed.

I think I was lucky. I met some people. Even before I could understand myself, they tried to listen and understand me. For me, it was a miracle, but that could not be true. Yes, that was the problem. It can’t be right. In my world, I was either dreaming or got wrong. Two different of thought standing each other. Fear and Desire. I don’t think this is because of the city where I am living. At least, it is not my loneliness. I still remember I lost relationships because even my ego and belief cannot be together. Desiring is dedication. I truly want something, and I am ready to sacrifice myself. I couldn’t release my ego and belief’s fight. That was the reason for loneliness.

I don’t know if I am prepared not to be lonely. And sometimes I think maybe I want to be tamed violently, so it makes my mind dull, and I don't think anything—like I'm on a high as hell.