2020 So Far So Far

It is surprising in both ways, one is it is already July, and the other is it is yet July. It is not unusual that contradictory two emotions floating around me. Still, I would like to say, this time, more than before, too many emotions and thinking is messing around me.

Here are a few updates on my personal life: First, I had a very short crush this year, and it ended suddenly. Second, I finally stopped talking with my ex via text or phone. Oh, by the way, I came back to Korea.

Which is more hurtful? Which makes me more miserable? Hard to tell. One thing I am sure of is I lost the only person who could talk to me honestly and sincerely. Maybe it is rightly said that it is not ‘lost’ but ‘thrown away.’ No matter what he had done to me or how he was thinking about me, I cannot deny he was my friend, family, and part of myself. A few people told me that I should cut him off and then I could find a new one soon. But what they didn’t know was I am not the kind of person who can easily find someone and open all the secret evil minds. I had no one, and I have no one. It was the same with my ex. He never understood what is true ‘alone.’ I am the only child and have experienced the moment; the only person who can talk to me is an imaginary friend. Whatever people call it, a toxic relationship? Or a mad lover? Oh, believe me, I've had enough of that. But at least he was there for me and listened to what I talked about. It was the first warm experience I had, and I doubt that I can have it once more.

What now? Where are all the people who gave me advice? Where are they in my life? Where are you?

You disappeared.

No, I don’t blame you. I knew this would happen. No matter how much people dismiss the idea that they’ll be living on the other side but not with me. I knew I would be alone again. Once I told someone that I’ll obsess with him. What he might don’t understand was that I would obsess over bringing him into my life. I didn’t mean texting or calling once in a year, I expect him to share everything and be prepared to be shared with me everything. What are you doing? How was your day? What are you thinking? Tell me everything. I should be a mundane and fundamental element in his life. 

I don’t like it when you are happy without me. I am jealous of every moment you have without me. Honestly, I was seriously thinking of going there.
But. I suppose you are not. I suppose I was dreaming.


The story must be ended. There is no next chapter for these relationships. It is draining to think about what he is thinking or how his life is every day; it just echoes a monologue with no replies. Life never goes back to before. It will be changed, however, and I must stand up. I still have this blog I can talk to. My projects are where I can express myself.

Although there will be no answer, and I still miss you.